Monkey and the crocodile- FF9 style
by Wing-chan
Summary: A short story, some Steiner-bashing, I was bored


The Monkey-Man and the Knight  
  
(Note: This is a remake of the story "The monkey and the crocodile" I do not own either or I would be much richer.)  
  
= thoughts  
  
DW: Once upon a time, long, long, well maybe not that long ago, a monkey, well, he's not really a monkey but anyway, lived up in the trees by a castle. One day, a queen and her knight came walking by. The queen could see the monkey jumping through the treetops.  
  
Brahne: Ah! The King of Monkeys! I must have his heart to eat.  
  
DW: The queen also ate horse's livers and brussle sprouts, this explains her extreme anger and deformities.  
  
Brahne: You must catch that monkey -  
  
Zidane: I'm not a monkey!  
  
Steiner: Close enough...  
  
Brahne: -by hook or by crook.  
  
DW: Who says that anymore nowadays?  
  
Brahne: You much catch that monkey and bring me his heart.  
  
DW: The next day the knight waited for the monkey-man to come down to the river to drink.  
  
Steiner: Ho there Monkey! How would you like a treat? How would you like some mango fruits that are sweet and ripe to eat?  
  
DW: God, maybe I should stop now, you know it's bad when big fat ugly guys are rhyming.  
  
Zidane: I would like that very much, where can I get some?  
  
Steiner: Right across the river.  
  
Zidane: But how will I get across? Hey, can't I just swim?  
  
DW: No, that'd ruin the story.  
  
Zidane: Alright.... No, I can't go across, because I'm a total idiot who can't swim!  
  
DW: Better...  
  
Zidane: Thanks.  
  
Steiner: I will take you on my chocobo.  
  
Zidane: Heh, must be a heck of a chocobo to hold you!  
  
DW: And so the two hopped onto the ~slightly larger than average~ chocobo which started swimming across the river.  
  
Zidane: Thanks Rusty. This is pretty cool of ya'.  
  
Steiner: Not at all!  
  
DW: But they got to the middle of the river and stopped.  
  
Steiner: I am going to drown you monkey!  
  
Zidane: Drown me? Why are you going to drown me? And I told you before it's monkey-man!  
  
Steiner: My queen wants to eat your heart.  
  
Zidane: What a freak! But is that all? Hah! Why didn't you tell me before? I would have brought it with me.  
  
Steiner: What? You do not have your heart with you? How could that be? Isn't it in your body?  
  
Zidane: Of course not! We monkey-men keep our hearts in trees.  
  
Steiner: I do not believe that, I am going to drown you!  
  
Zidane: Wait! I can prove I'm tellin the truth.  
  
DW: He pointed to one of the fig trees that grew along the river.  
  
Zidane: Look! You can see for yourself.  
  
DW: The knight looked at the fig tree. Since it was fall, there were only two figs left, one being a normal size, the other being somewhat shriveled. Even if the figs did look heart shaped, the knight should have been able to tell they were not hearts. But since the knight was a few marbles short, he couldn't tell the difference.  
  
Steiner: Which heart is yours?  
  
Zidane: What makin' small talk, what we gonna talk about next, the weather? You can't see it from here. Take me to the tree and I'll give it to ya'.  
  
DW: So the dim-witted knight took the monkey-man back to the shore. The monkey-man ran up the tree quicker than you could recite the meaning of life, alright, maybe a little quicker than that.  
  
Zidane: Steiner, Steiner hear me speak. Your back may be strong but your mind is weak. Oh my god, now I sound like ol' rusty. Did you think I kept my heart in a tree? Haha! Take this! It's all ya get!  
  
DW: And he threw the shriveled and rotten fig at the knight, hitting him in the face. It was then the knight knew he had been tricked. And he swore to get even with the monkey-man. The next day, the knight came back. But the monkey-man was gone! Well think about it, if someone was trying to drown you, would you hang around? But anyway, the knight went looking went looking for him up and down the river. At last the knight came to a place where the river got very narrow. And there he saw the monkey-man coming down from his tree. The knight hid behind a bush and watched. The monkey- man came down to the shore of the river. He jumped to a rock that was sticking out of the water. Then he jumped to a little island where mango trees grew. As soon as the monkey-man's back was turned, the knight lay down on top of the rock.  
  
He did not move.  
  
He did not make a sound.  
  
He lay very, very still and waited.  
  
Steiner:   
  
DW: So the knight laid stealthily on the rock. All day long the monkey stayed on the island. He ate the sweet ripe mangoes to his heart's content. By the time he was ready to go home, it was almost dark. And mysteriously, he never gained a pound. The monkey-man ran down to the water. He looked at the rock and got ready to jump but suddenly, he stopped.  
  
Zidane:   
  
DW: Then the clever monkey-man called out-  
  
Zidane: HELLO, ROCK!  
  
DW: There was no answer. The monkey-man called out again.  
  
Zidane: HELLO ROCK, IS THAT YOU?  
  
DW: Still no answer.  
  
Zidane: What is the matter Friend Rock? Why don't ya answer me the way ya always do?  
  
Steiner:   
  
DW: And since the knight was a regular idiot he whispered to the rock-  
  
Steiner: Go ahead and answer!  
  
DW: But since rocks don't talk, and the stupid knight didn't know that, he kept whispering.  
  
Steiner: Well, if you won't answer, I will have to answer for you. HO THERE MONKEY!  
  
Zidane: So, it is you Rusty, just as I thought.  
  
Steiner: You think, HA! Well, yes, it is. And this time you will not get away.  
  
Zidane: Well then, hold out your hands and close your eyes. And here I come - with a big surprise!  
  
DW: The monkey-man jumped. But he did not jump into the knight's grasp. He jumped on the knight's head instead. And from there he jumped to the shore. He climbed to the top of his tree and called-  
  
Zidane: Rusty, Rusty, hear me speak. Your head is very hard, and your mind is still weak. Man, these rhymes keep getting worse.... Go home and tell the queen she will never have any disgusting animal organs for dinner.  
  
DW: Then the knight knew the monkey-man was too smart for him. He called out in turn-  
  
Steiner: Oh Monkey-king you are much too smart. Never again will I come for your heart. Actually, this is good. I don't have to use up all of my anti- bacterial soap after I had to touch you ucky heart.  
  
DW: And after that, he left the monkey alone. Of course, he was promptly fired as knight once the queen didn't get a monkey heart. but what are you gonna do?  
  
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R&R please! This is my first try at something like this, so be somewhat gentle... Helpful critisism is always appreciated, but flamers will be flamed back.  
  
- DragonWing 


End file.
